Never, EVER have I wanted to scream "grow up" at a 60-year-old man more than I do today. I'm sure that by now everyone has had a chance to see Eugene "Mercury" Morris's recent interview, where he eloquently articulates his sophisticated, unbiased thoughts on the undefeated 2007 New England Patriots.
Don’t call me when you’re in my town, call me when you’re on my block, and I see you moving your furniture in next door...And if you win, I'll be dressed up in a tuxedo, waiting on my bride...Yo, gramps! What the hell is wrong with you? Not only are you obviously acting completely threatened by the Pats, but you're also just plain nucking futs. Maybe the whole tuxedo/bride thing is some expression from the 50's that I'm not familiar with...buuuuuuut I'm pretty sure you're just frickin' crazy. Or a cokehead. Oh, wait, you actually are a cokehead???
See, folks, since I was born outside of the U.S., I never inherited any knowledge on the old school NFL players from my dad like most fans did. So, forgive me if you already knew this, but allow me to share the results of my Wiki research on Mr. Morris. Somehow, I'm not surprised:
In 1982, Morris was convicted of cocaine trafficking and was sentenced to twenty years imprisonment with a mandatory fifteen-year term...He later went on to a career as a motivational speaker. Towards the end of 2006, his name has come up in a commercial spot for a hair-treatment clinic, along with Wade Boggs.In short: from Super Bowl champ, to convicted felon, to motivational speaker (wtf???), to Hair Club for Men, to giant asshole who publicly displays his lack of support for the next generation and its accomplishments, just because he can't let go of his precious little record.
Yes, Mr. Morris, you're right - the Patriots still have a ways to go before they can become the '72 Dolphins of the 21st Century. But they're still pretty damn impressive, and you know it.
Now GROW UP and quit being such a douche.