Thursday, November 15, 2007

Grumpy, Old, Balding, Cocaine-Trafficking Men

Never, EVER have I wanted to scream "grow up" at a 60-year-old man more than I do today. I'm sure that by now everyone has had a chance to see Eugene "Mercury" Morris's recent interview, where he eloquently articulates his sophisticated, unbiased thoughts on the undefeated 2007 New England Patriots.



Don’t call me when you’re in my town, call me when you’re on my block, and I see you moving your furniture in next door...And if you win, I'll be dressed up in a tuxedo, waiting on my bride...
Yo, gramps! What the hell is wrong with you? Not only are you obviously acting completely threatened by the Pats, but you're also just plain nucking futs. Maybe the whole tuxedo/bride thing is some expression from the 50's that I'm not familiar with...buuuuuuut I'm pretty sure you're just frickin' crazy. Or a cokehead. Oh, wait, you actually are a cokehead???

See, folks, since I was born outside of the U.S., I never inherited any knowledge on the old school NFL players from my dad like most fans did. So, forgive me if you already knew this, but allow me to share the results of my Wiki research on Mr. Morris. Somehow, I'm not surprised:
In 1982, Morris was convicted of cocaine trafficking and was sentenced to twenty years imprisonment with a mandatory fifteen-year term...He later went on to a career as a motivational speaker. Towards the end of 2006, his name has come up in a commercial spot for a hair-treatment clinic, along with Wade Boggs.
In short: from Super Bowl champ, to convicted felon, to motivational speaker (wtf???), to Hair Club for Men, to giant asshole who publicly displays his lack of support for the next generation and its accomplishments, just because he can't let go of his precious little record.

Yes, Mr. Morris, you're right - the Patriots still have a ways to go before they can become the '72 Dolphins of the 21st Century. But they're still pretty damn impressive, and you know it.

Now GROW UP and quit being such a douche.


7 comments:

Adam said...

While I think the drug trafficking is low blow; people are allowed the chance to rehabilitate themselves and I assume he has, i agree whole heartedly with that these haggered old men need to give it a rest. Even Hank Aaron remained gracious when the Giant Head broke his record.

Plus, i'm a Patriots fan, so...

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WPSN said...

First of all your right about him feeling scorned about the Patriots chance of matching their undefeated season. However, every year around this time or earlier usually, they track these gentlement down to ask them the same damn question about their 1972 season. They always give us the same lines, and yes it's been said many times that this group is extremely sour about the idea of losing their solidary moment in history. In their defense, most of these men who are well into their 60's and 70's aren't getting any younger and I'm sure their disdane for the new generation grows with each new wrinkle. A lot of these guys also had real jobs after their season was over, and carry a lot of envy or rather jealousy towards the younger instant multi-millionaire athletes that play today. Unfortunately, the younger athletes themselves don't take the time to study the history of the game or pay homage to the older generation either. I think it works both ways. I wouldn't attack him being for being a drug trafficker after he served his time and turned his life around to help motivate other people with his time. It's very noble. Although his comments sounded like a angry Old Man Simpson.

WPSN

www.yardbarker.com/users/ursportspro

B M McManus said...

Personally, I'm just picturing Randy Moss being in the exact same position and saying the exact same things in 30 years. Hilarious.

The Black Hornet said...

I agree with wspn - the whole champagne popping myth has been conveniently perpetuated by lazy farks like Chris Berman to make this a story every year - especially this year with all the spygate and asterisk talk.

These are not the droids you're looking for.

Personally I'm happy that he came out and said FU to everyone that keeps wanting to ding them from being proud of their accomplishment.

~Joker~ said...

Best article I've ever read. I love bitchy women.

Ken said...

I think Mercury Morris is a strutting, preening, sniveling gas-bag. "Hey look everyone, 36 years ago I was important. Now, the only way anyone pays any attention to me is to ask me about some new, younger, faster, stronger, and better paid athletes."

It may be possible that no one will ever equal the accomplishment of the '72 Dolphins, granting the way the game is played, and the nature of the business.

I do know that the '72 Dolphins have one other distinction that New England does not - that of having more running backs convicted of trafficking in cocaine.

For me he can use his champagne party as a reminder that he's no longer relevant unless some zip head wannabe like Berman comes to talk to him.

Otherwise, who'd care what a balding old fossil thinks?