EE Cummings Remix, by Marshawn Lynch

Good lord, my favorite (well, my only) guest writer, B M Mcmanus of Titles are so 2006, is hilarious. Check out his brilliance.

In honor of the Bay Area's fallen hero, the latest literary talent to emerge from the bastion of learning that is the University of California, Berkeley , here is ee cummings' poem "Buffalo Bill's / defunct"...in the style of Marshawn Lynch:

Wow, B...word. Waaaay better than the original:


P.S. Need help decoding that Yay Area slang? Click here.

Grumpy, Old, Balding, Cocaine-Trafficking Men

Never, EVER have I wanted to scream "grow up" at a 60-year-old man more than I do today. I'm sure that by now everyone has had a chance to see Eugene "Mercury" Morris's recent interview, where he eloquently articulates his sophisticated, unbiased thoughts on the undefeated 2007 New England Patriots.

Don’t call me when you’re in my town, call me when you’re on my block, and I see you moving your furniture in next door...And if you win, I'll be dressed up in a tuxedo, waiting on my bride...

Yo, gramps! What the hell is wrong with you? Not only are you obviously acting completely threatened by the Pats, but you're also just plain nucking futs. Maybe the whole tuxedo/bride thing is some expression from the 50's that I'm not familiar with...buuuuuuut I'm pretty sure you're just frickin' crazy. Or a cokehead. Oh, wait, you actually are a cokehead???

See, folks, since I was born outside of the U.S., I never inherited any knowledge on the old school NFL players from my dad like most fans did. So, forgive me if you already knew this, but allow me to share the results of my Wiki research on Mr. Morris. Somehow, I'm not surprised:

In 1982, Morris was convicted of cocaine trafficking and was sentenced to twenty years imprisonment with a mandatory fifteen-year term...He later went on to a career as a motivational speaker. Towards the end of 2006, his name has come up in a commercial spot for a hair-treatment clinic, along with Wade Boggs.

In short: from Super Bowl champ, to convicted felon, to motivational speaker (wtf???), to Hair Club for Men, to giant asshole who publicly displays his lack of support for the next generation and its accomplishments, just because he can't let go of his precious little record.

Yes, Mr. Morris, you're right - the Patriots still have a ways to go before they can become the '72 Dolphins of the 21st Century. But they're still pretty damn impressive, and you know it.

Now GROW UP and quit being such a douche.

Dennis Rodman - Dude Looks Like a... Ladies' Basketball Coach?

Can I just say that Dennis Rodman is out of his freaking mind, and I love him for it. I definitely think the NBA is in dire need of a Dennis replacement these days, and the NFL could certainly use a Rodman-esque player or two. I mean, what's more fun than a cross-dressing athlete? I think that my one true love, Ocho Cinco, is probably the one who has come closest to being the Dennis Rodman of football, but it's only because he's a loud-mouth and had that funky orange black man mohawk going for a little while.

So what has good ol' Denny been up to lately? Oh, nothing too surprising. Apparently, he's considering a gig as a WNBA coach.

I'm thinkin' this would make the ladies pretty uncomfortable. No, it's not because he'd be a man in a women's locker room, but because he would be more feminine than the vast majority of the players on his team.

Personally, I wouldn't want my male coach strutting around the locker room in a mini-skirt, his legs lookin a hell of a lot nicer than mine. Not okay.

Besides, I don't think they allow WNBA coaches to wear feather boas or wedding dresses on the sidelines...do they?