Sports Biotch

Biotch of the Week: Serena Williams

2011-09-13T23:33:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my new feature, Biotch of the Week. Does this mean I will actually commit to posting on a weekly basis? Er, I'm gonna go with no. But there's at least one biotch that I would like to recognize this week, so I'm going for it.

Articles like this one about Serena Williams's "outburst" at the U.S. Open make me want to vomit. Granted, this incident follows one that was a bit more severe in 2009, but biotch PLEEZ! Watch the video. The woman got screwed on a technicality in a very high-stakes game for her. While on air, she contained herself quite well, asking the chair lady for an explanation and just getting a little pissy when said ridiculous explanation was given. Even the announcers were completely stunned by the call, so how can the person who is so negatively impacted by it NOT be upset?

The "bad" part came when she told the preppy sweater lady in the lifeguard chair not to look at her and to walk the other way if they walk down the same hallway. Followed by my favorite line of, "You are just unattractive INSIDE." Oh no she di-in't!!! This woman should be featured in an Orbitz commercial, not be stamped as a horrible influence on today's youth.

Not only that, but let's talk about the fact that all of this happened during a commercial break, quietly on the sideline (it's still called that in tennis, right?). The network is more to blame here for intentionally airing the clip after the fact to create drama, make Serena look bad, and boost their own ratings, thereby exposing all those poor traumatized kids in the audience to this behavior. Until they did that, it was just a pissed off athlete quietly talking some shit after getting totally screwed over. Yeah, totally unprecedented.

But I guess in a sport where women who are among the best athletes in the world are still expected to wear skirts while playing and the audience is not permitted to make noise, this is quite scandalous. However, let's not go labeling a woman (let alone a black woman in tennis) who has helped put women's sports on the map as a bad role model. Especially when we can focus on all of the male athletes out there with multiple babymamas who are constantly cheating on their wives with hookers, beating up women and dogs, and acting inappropriately with reporters. (But that's just "boys being boys", right?) Serena is the least of our worries when it comes to role models in sports. We should be thankful for her.

So, Serena Williams, for being a normal human being who gets pissed off when screwed over and actually keeping your composure quite well (compared to how I would have reacted), the Sports Biotch bestows upon you the honor of Biotch of the Week.

Oh, and also, you have an AMAZING ass.

Roy Williams and the Mail Order Bride

2011-07-07T10:08:00.000-07:00

Given that there's nothing NFL-related to talk about these days that isn't pure speculation, it's no surprise that everyone has jumped on this story with Roy Williams. And I'm joining right in.

Williams's $76,000 engagement ring, sent by mail to former Miss Texas Brooke Daniels in February, has apparently been returned. The Daniels family has stated that they would rather return the ring than deal with the law suit Williams decided to bring upon them last week.

In my oh-so humble opinion, the question here isn't who the ring should go to. (Answer: Charity. Much better to benefit society than to allow one of these two horrible excuses for human beings to waste the money on more unneccessary jewelry.) The question is which side is dumber. I'm completely torn.

First you have Williams, who I am charging with 3 counts of extreme stupidity:
1) Dating a beauty queen. Everyone knows they're not real people.
2) Proposing by mail. REALLY? At least bring your ass into the 21st century and send her a proposal e-mail/IM/Tweet.
3) Proposing at all. You're a football player, she's a beauty queen. Why even pretend that it's a monogamous relationship?

Then there's Daniels. Oh, honey, I know all that bleach has probably seeped through your skull and it's not totally your fault, but you're still responsible for your 3 counts:
1) Being from Texas. Nuff said.
2) Dating a pro athlete. We all know that there is a:

100% chance of him cheating

84% chance of him cheating with a porn star

57% chance of him being a dog killer

43% chance of him beating you up

25% chance of you beating him up

15% of you killing him.

I know you probably weren't on the math team, but you should realize that your odds of a healthy relationship were not good from the start.

3) Being a half-ass gold digger. Either you're a money-grubbing whore or you're not. Take the ring and marry the dude so you can take half of his money in another year, or be a decent person and give it back. Nobody likes a flip-flopper.

So, in conclusion, the Sports Biotch officially declares both sides complete morons. Congratulations to them and their families. Oh, and...world peace.

One More Note on Soccer

2011-07-06T12:09:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be like Jonathan Babineaux here and beat a dead ~~horse~~ dog, but let me just say one more thing about the ridiculousness of soccer.

Check out the fun little infographic below. So, granted that the highest paid NFL players are not necessarily the best in the game and often just overpaid Raiders players, the structure of the most highly paid soccer players is worrying. With the massive international popularity of the sport, you guys still can't pay your SUPERSTARS, the reason people watch the game, as much as the LIONS can afford to pay Matthew Stafford??? AND you have waaaay fewer players on your roster? Am I crazy, or is there something super fishy about that?

In conclusion, there is yet another reason to hate soccer: owners are CLEARLY taking advantage of players and not paying them what they're really worth. EVEN MORE SO than the NFL! Boo.

Source:www.sportsmanagementcolleges.net

Countdown to the 4th of July

2011-06-22T11:52:00.000-07:00

12 days. There are 12 days left until the 4th of July, and that is SUPER exciting for several reasons. Number one is obvious: it's the Sports Biotch's birthday. Then there is the lesser-known Independence Day. In a very close third, though, we have the greatest sporting event of all time: the Nathan's International Hot Dog Eating Contest.

Yes, I said sporting event. If golf gets to count as a sport, well so should eating. If you've ever actually witnessed one of these competitions in person, you would most certainly agree. While it's impressive on TV, it's just appalling in person when you see pounds and pounds of food disappear instantly into someone's mouth. These guys practice year-round to get their bodies to perform really strange, often gross, but always incredible feats.

What drives me crazy about the Nathan's competition and competitive eating in general is not that it is marketed as a sport, but that everyone still keeps talking about Takeru Kobayashi. Okay, he's a very small Japanese dude, and it's pretty memorable when someone that small can eat that much food. But COME ON! Stay on top of your competitive eating news, people! Kobayashi's reign is over and there has been a new champ in town for four years. Joey "Jaws" Chestnut beat Kobayashi in 2007, 2008, and 2009, and he won the competition last year, when Takeru wasn't even allowed to participate (and caused a bunch of drama over it). He is the current record holder in the eating of hot dogs and tons of other foods...not including desserts, though, because Joey sees that as unhealthy. Not only that, but Joey is the proud recipient of my "awesomest bobble head I own" award. Mine is even sweeter than the one below because it's autographed. Probably worth millions.

Since I am in Panama, I won't get to watch Joey's 5th consecutive victory. But I hope that all of you will take a look at the listings for sports programs in your area and be sure to check out this historic event. In the meantime, here's a SWEET video we filmed of Joey training for a fried asparagus eating competition (yup, that really exists) when I worked at Yardbarker.com.

"Stevie Phantom" and His Two Cents

2011-06-20T11:11:00.000-07:00

I really don't know what to make of this. I respect what the man is doing, but can't help but think that it just sounds really REALLY lame in poetry form.

Plus it's ridiculous to talk like it's about the money for the owners and not the players. Don't act like all you care about is the little kids and their dreams, Stevie P., we know you wanna get paid, too.

Why Soccer Sucks

2011-06-20T05:04:00.000-07:00

Despite all of my ranting and raving, the Sports Biotch is a lover of sports. Each sport, though, holds a unique place in the quadrant of my heart devoted to athletics (the other three quadrants go to pizza, ice cream, and cuddly puppies).

There are sports that I understand and love, such as football and water polo. There are those that I understand and enjoy sometimes, like basketball and baseball. There are some that I might like if I had any clue as to what might be happening, such as cricket…which I’m convinced is just a giant British joke meant to make the rest of us feel stupid.

Then there is soccer.

I have tried oh-so hard over the years to like soccer, I really really have. During the 2008 (correction: 2006...same difference) World Cup, I was traveling all over Europe and did my best to get into the spirit of the game. While I was very successful when it came to getting into the drinking part of soccer fandom, I just couldn’t stir up the passion for the games we were watching. Now, after some deep soul-searching, I have realized why.

Soccer sucks.

World, I know you think Americans are dumb for calling the wrong sport “football”, and I agree that it makes little to no sense. But at least our football is GOOD. How you people can watch this soccer crap day in and day out and pay money to wear those hideous scarves and jerseys is beyond me.

Watching the Panama vs. El Salvador game last night, I was literally on the verge of tears. This sport is actually so frustratingly stupid that it nearly made me cry, and I’ll tell you why. Without further ado, the top 5 reasons that soccer sucks.

5. Zero ball control. When is a sport not a good sport? When the table version with plastic men on metal sticks allows for better ball handling than the real thing. I mean, my unneutered puppy has better ball control.

Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? You have a field about a mile wide and turnovers happen every 3 seconds or so because accuracy is impossible. You’re better off watching a track meet – at least track doesn’t pretend to be something other than running.

4. BS point scoring. This is a direct result of number 5. Without being able to actually pass to teammates, you can’t have, you know, PLAYS like in normal people sports. Therefore, when those once-an-hour goals finally are scored, more often than not it’s on some ridiculous penalty kick or amid an awkward mess where the ball manages to roll into the goal. Not impressive. Not entertaining. Stupid.

3. Offsides is moronic. During last night’s game I had to have my boyfriend remind me about how this whole offsides business works. “You can’t be ahead of the last defender and get the ball passed to you,” he said.

I eloquently expressed to him that I thought this was retarded, because in any sport, getting ahead of the defender and getting the ball is exactly what you want to do. It’s called a good counter-attack/burning the mofo.

His argument? “But then they could just keep players back by the goal, ready to score.” Yes. That is exactly what they should do. Then maybe they would occasionally SCORE GOALS AND SOCCER MIGHT BE INTERESTING.

2. Excuse me, Mr. Ref, I believe your clock is broken. Let me tell you how a normal conversation about a game goes:
- Hey Bob, what’s the score of the ***** game?
- Oh hey Mary, it’s **** to ****. The **** are up.
- Cool! How much time is left?
- **** minutes to go in the **** period/quarter! Should be interesting!

But ooooh no, not soccer. If you care at all about how much time is left for the losing team to possibly catch up, and not about how long these dudes have been running sprints on a field, you’ll have to do some math. Really, though, don’t bother, because they’re not sure EXACTLY how long they want to play. The “end” of the game is really just a “few minute warning”. How many minutes? Well, we’ll just let that old guy in the short shorts on the sideline take a stab at it.

1. Flops. Honestly, this is worse than pro wrestling, because at least wrestling has more or less given up on pretending to be real. There is absolutely no reason that pro soccer players should be falling over more often than kids on 5 & under teams. And fans shouldn’t have to sit there and wait for the medical team to bring these pansies water, which will suddenly revive them once a yellow card has been doled out to the opposition. Give me a break. If I wanted to watch grown men be needlessly dramatic I’d turn on Ru Paul’s Drag Race. We have instant replay, man, and we know that he barely touched you. There is no need to roll around like you’re on fire and try to pick a body part to grab in agony. It’s not convincing, and you look like a little bitch. Really, soccer fans, are you not seeing this? Pathetic.

Since I'm fair and balanced, I'll wrap this up by saying just one good thing about soccer: they allow celebrations, which is sweet. It's not that soccer players are particularly good at them, mind you, because I think football players could do better if given the chance to perform organized team celebrations. But I do give props to the rich white guys who run soccer for being way more fun than the rich white guys running football. Respect.

Oh, Canada...

2011-06-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

I just learned aboot the post-NHL Finals riots in Vancouver, and I am amazed. Canada, you're supposed to be all nice and calm and stuff - what are you doing, eh?

You people just shouldn't even be ALLOWED to riot. Los Angeles? Yes. Detroit? Sure. Those places have some scary mofos. But you're VANCOUVER. You don't have guns and your policemen don't even have cars. Most of you are wearing what look like HIKING BACKPACKS, for crying out loud! Rioting is just entirely inappropriate.

Additionally, I hate to break it to you, but you're just plain stupid on several counts:

A) Holding up signs that say the other team sucks right after your team LOST to them just shows a complete lack of reasoning skills. You do realize that means that your team SUPERSUCKS, right? I'd hate to see any of you take the LSATs.

B) Way to punish the people of Boston by detroying your own city. You sure showed them.

C) A bunch of you re-res are posing for pictures as you do incredibly illegal shit. CLEARLY none of you have any criminal experience.

We all love our teams, so is it totally disheartening to see them lose in the finals? Um, JEAH. But if you had at least two brain cells to rub together in that little head of yours, you would know that it does absolutely no good to wage war on your own city. No amount of Molson or Labatt or whatever other crap you drink should convince you otherwise.

Oh, and also, quit being so sensitive. Russia is better at hockey anyways. You should probably just stick to curling.

NCAA, You're Sooo Stupid

2011-05-31T08:55:00.000-07:00

There are several reasons I don’t really follow college football (except Cal – GO BEARS):

1)My puny little woman-sized brain can’t handle following that many teams at once.
2)The BCS. Nuff said.
3)This crap going down with Tressel and too many other occurrences like it.

So I’m not all that well-versed in the details here, but I'm all worked up right now and have to state the obvious about number 3. No, I'm not going to boo-hoo over Tressel leaving, because I am of the firm belief that men in sweater vests are not to be trusted. The underlying problem is what's important here, and I can't understand why this has gone on for so long.

Why is this even an argument? You have full-grown men working their asses off daily to earn your school and their coaches millions of dollars, and they can’t get a free fucking tattoo? Someone can’t stab them repeatedly for free? What if their mentor is Ray Lewis? What if their wife is Michi Marshall?

Even if cash was involved, WHO CARES? Personally, it has never bothered me that Marshawn Lynch was probably getting all kinds of freebies and not attending class while I worked my ass off for my econ degree at the same school. (Though it does bother me that he somehow ended up with the same GPA despite not being able to spell…WTF?)

Trying to prevent college players from getting any kind of advantage is beyond unrealistic – it’s retarded. What’s next, player suspensions for getting more ass and throwing better parties than the biology nerds? Because that's just totally unfair.

Athletic talent comes with certain advantages and disadvantages. I am willing to accept that I have a miniscule amount and will never be paid to endorse an Abtronic. In return, I get to have no (well, maybe fewer) concussions and keep my brain cells - yay! Why would I have a problem with my peers taking advantage of their abilities? It's no different than star finance students that used to get wined and dined by Wall St. firms (when they could afford that sort of thing). There is absolutely no other reason for the existence of these rules than to maximize profit for the NCAA and the schools. Everyone else - especially the students - loses.

NCAA, you want to make this shit fair? Pay these dudes who are making you money and stop giving them degrees if they didn’t go to class. Easy as a groupie. If you can’t comprehend that, then I have only one thing to say to you:

Love,

The Sports Biotch

P.S. Very sad I live in Panama and missed the NCAA South Park episode. :(

Gin and Juice Remix...Lambeau Style

2009-07-09T13:18:00.000-07:00

This video came to me from my Twitter pal Bobby O'Shea who writes over at Green Bay Bums. When he told me that he and his super-white buddy (because all Packers fans are presumed super-white until proven otherwise) had created this remix, I was sure that it would...well, really really blow. But I must say that these guys did a pretty damn good job with it. Plus I always love to see footage of drunken Wisconsonians dancing around awkwardly in weather that would probably literally freeze your balls off if you didn't stick a hand warmer down your pants. Enjoy!

Stephen Curry - I Am Honored to Have You in the Bay

2009-06-29T23:40:00.000-07:00

So Stephen Curry may have some trouble properly pronouncing his own name, and I really haven't seen the kid play, but I am beyond thrilled to welcome him to my Warriors. Why? This:

Forgive me for being a girl here, but OMG, HOW ADORABLE ARE STEPHEN AND HIS FRIENDS!!!!???!!! He comes across as a little shy in the video, but I've got to say, he's kind of like a young Rod Benson. The guy's got awesome friends, too...how 'bout the cute kid with the accent? And the boy with the Bench Press for Cancer shirt who looks like he could maybe lift a tea kettle? Love it. Can I adopt all of you???

Had I seen this while I was in high school, I might have gone to Davidson.

....Ew, wait, what am I saying? Go Bears!

P.S. My source for this was Raj Mathai of NBC 11 Bay Area News, whom I slammed in my last post. You've fully redeemed yourself, sir. Please accept the Biotch's sincerest apologies for her previous comments.

P.P.S. I was just told he probably isn't staying with the W's. This is unacceptable. Warriors front office, I urge you to reconsider.

Worst Interview of All Time

2009-06-22T19:07:00.001-07:00

This is bad. Really frickin' bad. And you know who's at fault here?

Not Rajai Davis - his job is to play baseball, which he's...at least not horrible at.

Not his agent - sure, there's some media training in order here that clearly has never been provided, but I'm sure the kid isn't exactly being attacked by an army of reporters on a regular basis.

No, my friends, the fault here rests with the completely incompetent NBC Bay Area news team. Raj, you were assigned a two-minute segment. You had all of batting practice to record a scripted monologue and find one player who could actually complete phrases like "Last time they swept us, but that's in the past" or "Today we just need to go out there and play ball." ....THAT'S IT.

And this crap is seriously what you, as a professional reporter, came up with? I can't believe MSM even tries to argue that bloggers can't "report" on sports because of their lack of access, when THIS is apparently what access gives. Awful...just awful.

Being a Royal Not Painful Enough, Guillen Removes Own Toenail

2009-02-23T11:21:00.000-08:00

We've seen athletes do a lot of really stupid crap in the last year or so. From Monta Ellis's moped to Brandon Marshall's McDonald's bag to, of course, Plaxico's safety-less gun, these guys have damaged their multi-million dollar bodies in ways that are more frickin ridiculous than I could possibly dream up. But, man, at least those guys did this dumb ish on accident.

Royals outfielder José Guillen, on the other hand, is a frickin masochist. Not only does he play for KC (which is painful enough as it is) but according to the Kansas City Star, Guillen decided to remove his own ingrown toenail with a pair of tweezers when his doctor mentioned the possiblity of surgery.

"If it wasn't any better, he wanted me to have surgery. I thought, 'Whoaaa.'

"I reached in there (with the tweezers)," he said, "and poked around until I got the end of it. Then I counted one, two, three and just pulled …. Oh, my God. It came out, but tears were running down my cheeks."

Uh, WHAT!?!? Why in the hell would you do that? What about the surgery would have been any worse than pulling this thing out yourself, dude? Some local anesthetic, perhaps? Sterile tools? The years of medical experience behind the person performing the procedure?

I mean, maybe José thought that "surgery" meant removing his entire foot, but buddy, you're not in the Dominican anymore. We don't do that sort of thing here.

Let's just hope this guy never gets an eye infection.

Matt Stairs Enjoys Getting Hammered by Guys

2008-10-14T11:12:00.000-07:00

You just can't make this stuff up. This is exactly why some athletes should have blogs instead of talking to reporters. That way they can at least read over their work. So they can make sure they don't do silly things like, you know, use "your" instead of "you're", mispronounce someone's last name, or accidentally say that they like to have their asses hammered by their teammates.

"You want to get that one big hit where you feel like you're part of the team,'' Stairs said. "Not that I don't feel like I'm part of the team, by no means, but when you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you're getting your ass hammered by guys, it's no better feeling than to have that done.''

Major props to David Murray at the Philadelphia Daily News, who slyly tacked this lovely little quote onto the end of his article, as if it was no big deal. Very nice.

Special thanks to Mr. Rofman for passing this on, despite knowing full well that the Biotch would spread the word about the, um, not-so-straight tendencies of his team.

My Friends, Brady Quinn is a Fruit

2008-10-09T13:29:00.000-07:00

This whole election is really like a horrible reality show. Except the end result won't be a 2-month marriage briefly mentioned in the tabloids and forgotten soon after, but potentially another 4 years of embarrassing leadership for the entire country. This ish is just unreal.

I hate Brady Quinn. I hate Sarah Palin. I hate McCain. I hate this video.

McCain and Palin rally in Strongsville

Kendra Isn't Engaged to Philly WR Hank Baskett....

2008-09-23T23:29:00.000-07:00

At least not according to a post on her MySpace blog made yesterday, which has since been deleted.

Well I say good riddance! Nobody gives a damn about that guy, anyway. (Except maybe Eagles fans. And I don't know anybody who cares what they think.) Besides, I've found a much better match for this lovely housewife-in-training.

Kendra, I know that on your MySpace profile you list "getting married by the age of 24" as one of your main goals in life. (It's always so moving to see other girls my age with high aspirations.) You might be worried that time is running out and you may not reach that goal, but don't panic! The perfect man is still out there.

And that man is Marshawn Lynch.

Just look at all these signs that you're, like, totally meant to be together.

1.) reaaaaaaaaally gooooooooood blogn sklz? Check. (lololol.)

Kendra:

hiiiiii just wanna let yall know that i am not engaged! if i was id be very happy though n i wouldnt hide it..hahahahaha!!!!! rumors are sooooooooo fuckin funny. yaa trickk yaaaaaa lololol!! Love is a beautiful thing n i think the world needs more of it. lol..

Marshawn:

whats good yardbarkers what it do its ya local neighborhood running back outta OAKLAND....in buffalo playin for da bills...if u looked at da headline reading DAMN its cause ive been out 4 da past two weeks and its been hurting me not to b out der wit ma teammates even if we losing....i just cant wait til i can get back out der wit ma bra bras (teammates).....but dis just ma lil intro until i can get back to yall wit a lil mo....stay solid til next time

2.) More grills than George Foreman? Check.

Kendra:

Marshawn:
3.) A flair for ghostriding? Check.

Kendra:

Marshawn (this sure was a sign of the erratic driving behavior to come...):

There you have it. Kendra and Marshawn (Kenshawn?), together forever.

Ovechkin Wants Russian Women Only - DA!

2008-08-14T15:26:00.000-07:00

Goodbye, Ocho Cinco....HELL-O, Sashen'ka Ovechkin!

My new favorite athlete is even more hilarious-er than Chad, pretty cute despite the missing teeth, and he's looking for a Russian wife. OOO, ooo! Pick me!

I don't know, Alex - 5 to 10 kids? I guess if it means having that lovely jacuzzi, then it's all worth it...

What REALLY Matters This Week, or Why I'm Excited About the Olympics

2008-08-03T23:31:00.000-07:00

Whoopdeefrickindo. He came back. Just like you all knew he would. ESPN - I know I've asked this before, but can we please move on to some actual sports news? Thanks.

I have to admit that until tonight I didn't even realize how close we are to the opening ceremonies for the 2008 Olympics, but now I'm really getting excited. Since the whole idea of the Games is for everyone in the world to put their differences aside and play nice for a little while, I figured I'd also put aside the Biotching for a minute and show just a teensy-weensy bit of respect. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Here's what I'm excited about in Beijing.

THESE CHICKS.

Number of babies I've had: 0. Number of Olympic Games I've ever had even the slightest chance of qualifying for: um...0.

Guys, maybe you won't agree with me here, but ladies, I'm sure every single one of you is just as impressed as I am. These women were somehow able to grow small human beings in their uteri, shove them outta there, and then just continue merrily on down their little paths to the Olympics. Props. Major props. Some of you may argue that motherhood could actually be an unfair advantage in sports - chasing your kids around may, in fact, actually be a great daily cardio workout. But Judge Biotch has examined the evidence, and she officially dismisses that claim.

Exhibit A:

SWIMMING.

I don't like Michael Phelps. Sorry. I know I said I'd play nice, but then I found this picture...and now I can't help myself. The guy definitely looks like he qualifies for the other Olympics, if you catch my drift.

But I DO like pretty much anyone who went to Cal. Nathan Adrian will be representing in the 4x100 free relay, which has a great shot at gold. Duje Draganja is swimming for Croatia, so he's not a only a fellow Bear, but also a fellow Slav. He kicked major ass at the FINA World Championships earlier this year, setting a new world record in the 50 free. His time was 20.81 seconds. I believe my fastest ever was...28. Ouch.

Then, of course, there's my girl Natalie Coughlin. What a beast. Not only is she fast as hell, but she's freakin' beautiful.

(Natalie was the first woman to swim the 100-meter backstroke in under one minute. Back in the day I swam it in...somewhere under two. Conclusion: I'm twice as awesome.)

THE "REDEEM TEAM"...getting demolished. Ideally by the Ruskiis.

Call me un-American (wait, I'm not American...hmm...), but come on - you know it's funny that the US can't win at its own damn game. It's already pretty clear that the Japanese and Cubans are way better at baseball, so now the "Redeem Team" has to reclaim basketball, or else you Yanks will be left with...um...rodeo?

MEN'S WATER POLO. MMM.

Sure they wear silly-looking caps...but, uh, I think I can get past that. And hooray for underwater cameras. 'Cause then, ya know, you can see the fouls and stuff. Yeah. That's why we have those. Right.

PEOPLE RUNNING REALLY, REALLY FAST.

For some people, all those banned substance scandals have ruined the sport, but you know what? Doesn't bother me one bit. Even if steroids pumped through my veins in place of blood, there's no way I could ever run that fast, especially while occassionally jumping over stuff. So I fully intend to watch all those doped up mofo's run their little hearts out.

THE OPENING/CLOSING CEREMONIES.

Because all this Biotchiness is really a defense mechanism, and I'm actually a total sucker for those touchy-feely "we're-all-just-humans-so-let's-stop-dropping-bombs-on-each-other's-countries-and-just-put-on-some-spandex-and-race-each-other" moments. *tear*

WNBA - Whatever it Takes to Keep People Watching

2008-07-27T22:22:00.000-07:00

Looks like a lot has changed in the world of sports since I last blogged. WNBA making headlines? Hummina?

Ladies, I have to say that the Biotch is very proud of you. You're finally starting to realize what it will take to get sports fans to actually watch women's basketball...or at least get you almost FIVE minutes (!!!) of air time on SportsCenter. Yeehaw.

But don't let this be the end of it! We need to keep this momentum going in order to keep the public eye focused on women's basketball. My expert advice? Use the keys to success that the male athletes and ladies in other sports have been using for years to keep fans tuned in. A few ideas:

CELEBRITY RELATIONSHIPS

I'm thinking Diana Taurasi...Nick Lachey...in Cabo...right before playoffs (the WNBA has those, right?) Maybe a teammate crying about it during a press conference soon afterward.

We could even give them a cute celebrity couple nickname like Dianick. Or Nickana. They should probably get into the whole Scientology thing and adopt a few African kids, too. Extra points for shaving your head or going to rehab.

NOT-SO-SECRET CELEBRITY AFFAIRS

Two requirements: The celebrity should 1) be old enough to be your parent and 2) have jacked up teeth.

Hmm...maybe Candace Parker and Mike Tyson?

Bonus: He could teach her how to throw a decent right hook instead of just half-tackling and clawing at someone like...well, a girl.

GET NAKED

Was it the US women's soccer team's amazing World Cup victory that got America paying attention to the sport for a whole week or two? Eff no. It was this:

Take your jersey off after every 3-pointer, and I can guarantee you'll get a little extra time on the highlight reel.

GET REALLY NAKED

Showing some skin during the game will help, but this is the WNBA we're talking about. It's gonna take a lot more than a sports bra to really get some attention.

So I recommend Playboy. FHM. Maxim. Anyone that will let you get naked in front of a camera (unless it's R. Kelly.) This, however, should be limited to those who look more Amanda Beard...

than Serena Williams in their birthday suits.

GO TO VEGAS

Get drunk. Lose Money. Get beat up. Have a hooker orgy.

RETIRE AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE

No, wait. Scratch that. That requires having fans who would care in the first place.

....Stupid fans. With obnoxious accents. That wear cheese on their heads. Good lord, I really hate Wisconsin.

So to the ladies of the Shock and the Sparks - congratulations on taking the first steps toward sacrificing every ounce of your dignity to gain popularity in the sports world. We can now officially call you pro athletes, and the Sports Biotch salutes you.

(Except you, Lisa Leslie. I'm disappointed. Don't know you know that the only appropriate response to a man pushing you down on the ground is to break his jaw?)

Top 10 Fantasy Wide Receivers 2008

2008-06-18T14:39:00.000-07:00

Gotta love the wide receivers. Definitely the most entertaining group of all the football players out there. As a thank you for these guys taking on thousands of dollars in fines each year to provide me with hours of entertaining celebration dance clips on YouTube, I've decided to bestow upon them a list of my favorites for this year. Because they all totally read my blog.

Note: This is 100% scientific and stat-based. It is not at all skewed by my personal biases (or undying love for Chad Johnson) - I swear.

1.) Randy Moss

2.) Braylon Edwards

3.) Chad Johnson

4.) Terrell Owens

5.) Plaxico Burress

6.) TJ Houshmandzadeh

7.) Steve Smith

8.) Calvin Johnson

9.) Wes Welker

10.) Larry Fitzgerald

Honorable Mentions:

Dwayne Bowe

Torry Holt

Hines Ward

Hottest Female Athletes

2008-06-18T14:32:00.000-07:00

So a while back I did a post on hottest male athletes. Here's something to even the score and give some love to the beautiful ladies of sports. You probably disagree. I don't care.

1.) Lokelani McMichael - Triathlon
2.) Daniela Hantuchova - Tennis
3.) Anna Rawson – Golf
4.) Ashley Force - Motorsports
5.) Anna Kournikova - Tennis (GO RUSSIANS!)
6.) Niki Gudex – Bike Riding
7.) Heather Mitts - Soccer
8.) Natlie Gulbis - Golf
9.) Natalie Coughlin – Swimming (GO BEARS!)
10.) Karina Petroni – Surfing

Honorable mentions:

Maria Sharapova – Tennis (GO RUSSIANS!)
Jenny Finch - Softball
Paula Creamer - Golf
Allison Stokke – Pole Vaulting (GO BEARS!)

Why Aaron Rodgers is Better than Brett Favre

2008-05-30T01:36:00.001-07:00

Yeah, you heard me. I'll even write those evil words that will send me straight to football fan hell: I DON'T LIKE BRETT FAVRE.

No, I'm not retarded. (Thanks for asking.) I realize the man's an amazing football player, will forever be an NFL legend, and blahblahblah. But you know, for a bunch of "real men", you Favre fans sure do get awfully girly and sappy every time he retires, and that's annoying as hell.

"Oh, they took down his nameplate...waaaaaah!" Boo-f**kin-hoo. Can we please stop using up valuable ESPN airtime for your crying? (I mean, just play the D-Wade T-Mobile commercials, instead - he's funny AND nice to look at.)

But the Biotch hasn't come out of retirement (hypocritical, but whatever) just to talk about you Favre fans being a bunch of sissies. I'm back to celebrate his kinda, sorta official gone-ness by explaining to you just why my man Aaron Rodgers isn't some guy who has to try to fill his shoes. He's better.

8 (in honor of Aaron's college number) reasons why Brett can't compare to his replacement:

1. AR-uhn RAW-gers. Pronunciation is easily deduced from the written version of his name.

2. Cal = better than Southern Miss. In every way. It's just a fact. (Example below.)

VS.

3. 24th overall pick (vs. 33rd overall)

4. Favre: missing 30 ft. of intestine due to being a crappy driver; Rodgers: all intestines intact

5. In 2007, Rodgers completed 20 of 28 pass attempts (71.4%). That year, Favre only completed 66.5% of his attempts. In case you go to Southern Miss. and aren't taking Math for People from the South 118 until next year, that means that Rodgers is better.

6. Despite being 14 years younger, Rodgers is much more capable of growing facial hair (and not making fruity hand gestures):

7. Favre can beat a stupid pill addiction. Rodgers can beat stupid USC.

8.

To: Billy Beane, Re: Nick Swisher

2008-01-04T19:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Beane-face,

No more Swish? Like, seriously? Billy, you stupid piece of over-hyped crap, say it ain't so. I mean, I've read Moneyball, and correct me if I'm wrong here, but I thought we liked the guys who could generate runs. I thought we liked walks (of which Nicky-poo had 100 last season - 6th in the AL). I thought we liked high on-base percentages (like Swishy's career-high .381 last year). Err, I thought we wanted to WIN.

So why the hell are we dealing away one of our best young players when he's still on his way up? Not to mention the fact that he was one of the few reasons that at least a handful of fans showed up to games in '07 (in a pathetic attempt to fill up the half of the stadium that was actually open).

I mean, I thought it was bad before when you gave away Haren, another still-rising young star (15-9 last year, with a 3.07 ERA). But this is just ridiculous. What kind of retarded system are you using to make these decisions?

At this rate, you might as well just pack up and move to an old, boring, dirty suburb where no one will come watch you play. Oh, wait. You're already doing that.

Billy, in summary, I would just like to say GO TO HELL. I don't care if you're "replenishing the farm system, blahblahblah...", you're ruining MY team by getting rid of some of the most promising players, and I hate you for it.

Oh, and did I mention that they were also 2 of the cutest guys on the team? Teehee.

Screw you,

The Sports Biotch

EE Cummings Remix, by Marshawn Lynch

2007-11-28T16:27:00.000-08:00

Good lord, my favorite (well, my only) guest writer, B M Mcmanus of Titles are so 2006, is hilarious. Check out his brilliance.

In honor of the Bay Area's fallen hero, the latest literary talent to emerge from the bastion of learning that is the University of California, Berkeley , here is ee cummings' poem "Buffalo Bill's / defunct"...in the style of Marshawn Lynch:

Wow, B...word. Waaaay better than the original:

P.S. Need help decoding that Yay Area slang? Click here.

Grumpy, Old, Balding, Cocaine-Trafficking Men

2007-11-15T19:54:00.000-08:00

Never, EVER have I wanted to scream "grow up" at a 60-year-old man more than I do today. I'm sure that by now everyone has had a chance to see Eugene "Mercury" Morris's recent interview, where he eloquently articulates his sophisticated, unbiased thoughts on the undefeated 2007 New England Patriots.

Don’t call me when you’re in my town, call me when you’re on my block, and I see you moving your furniture in next door...And if you win, I'll be dressed up in a tuxedo, waiting on my bride...

Yo, gramps! What the hell is wrong with you? Not only are you obviously acting completely threatened by the Pats, but you're also just plain nucking futs. Maybe the whole tuxedo/bride thing is some expression from the 50's that I'm not familiar with...buuuuuuut I'm pretty sure you're just frickin' crazy. Or a cokehead. Oh, wait, you actually are a cokehead???

See, folks, since I was born outside of the U.S., I never inherited any knowledge on the old school NFL players from my dad like most fans did. So, forgive me if you already knew this, but allow me to share the results of my Wiki research on Mr. Morris. Somehow, I'm not surprised:

In 1982, Morris was convicted of cocaine trafficking and was sentenced to twenty years imprisonment with a mandatory fifteen-year term...He later went on to a career as a motivational speaker. Towards the end of 2006, his name has come up in a commercial spot for a hair-treatment clinic, along with Wade Boggs.

In short: from Super Bowl champ, to convicted felon, to motivational speaker (wtf???), to Hair Club for Men, to giant asshole who publicly displays his lack of support for the next generation and its accomplishments, just because he can't let go of his precious little record.

Yes, Mr. Morris, you're right - the Patriots still have a ways to go before they can become the '72 Dolphins of the 21st Century. But they're still pretty damn impressive, and you know it.

Now GROW UP and quit being such a douche.

Dennis Rodman - Dude Looks Like a... Ladies' Basketball Coach?

2007-11-13T16:38:00.000-08:00

Can I just say that Dennis Rodman is out of his freaking mind, and I love him for it. I definitely think the NBA is in dire need of a Dennis replacement these days, and the NFL could certainly use a Rodman-esque player or two. I mean, what's more fun than a cross-dressing athlete? I think that my one true love, Ocho Cinco, is probably the one who has come closest to being the Dennis Rodman of football, but it's only because he's a loud-mouth and had that funky orange black man mohawk going for a little while.

So what has good ol' Denny been up to lately? Oh, nothing too surprising. Apparently, he's considering a gig as a WNBA coach.

I'm thinkin' this would make the ladies pretty uncomfortable. No, it's not because he'd be a man in a women's locker room, but because he would be more feminine than the vast majority of the players on his team.

Personally, I wouldn't want my male coach strutting around the locker room in a mini-skirt, his legs lookin a hell of a lot nicer than mine. Not okay.

Besides, I don't think they allow WNBA coaches to wear feather boas or wedding dresses on the sidelines...do they?

White Men Can't...Dance

2007-10-18T00:38:00.000-07:00

While the white athlete is a dying breed, there are still plenty of talented melanin-challenged players to be found in professional sports. What the male caucasoids seem to be lacking, however, is the ability to do a celebratory dance that doesn't make them look like they should be in the Special Olympics. Need evidence? Look no further.

Tom Brady is absolutely pathetic here, but the last guy is just priceless:

Compared to...

Kelly Washington's smooth moves:

Shaq's booty shakin':

...and what was indisputably the best minute of this year's Hard Knocks. On second thought, that whole Special Olympics thing may actually apply here:

So if you're a pro athlete and you have the ability to get a sunburn, for the love of God PLEASE limit celebrations to fist-pumps and high-fives. Thank you.

Ty Cobb Makes Barry Bonds Look Like Strawberry Shortcake

2007-10-10T12:45:00.000-07:00

The Sports Biotch would like to take a moment to welcome her very first guest writer, B M McManus. When he isn't writing overly-critical comments on my blog, B shares his thoughts on a variety of topics with the world (or maybe just his mom...ooooooh) here.

This time, though, he's insisted on attempting to out-do me by venturing into the sports blogging arena. Is he better than me at this sports blogging thing? Doubtful. Does he at least deserve some space on thesportsbiotch.com to share his sports thoughts? Sure, I don't really give a damn. Enjoy.

Hating Barry Bonds seems as much the national pastime as baseball itself. The reasons for Barry-hate are abundant and obvious. First, the assumption that he used steroids kinda falls into the same category as the theory of evolution; no one saw it happen and there isn't any test that directly proves it happened, but you'd have to be crazy to deny it. Second, the man is an arrogant douchebag.

That said, cheating and douchebaggery are hardly the exception among elite hitters: more like the rule. The other day, I was discussing baseball history with the Sports Biotch, and it struck me; Barry Bonds is a cute, cuddly, remarkably well-adjusted version of Ty Cobb. Ty Cobb makes Barry Bonds look like Strawberry Shortcake.

Cobb and Strawbarry are hardly the only cheating a-holes to become baseball icons. I could compare Barry to any number of elite players with total success. However, I won't, because Barry's attitude--"the whole world is trying to screw me, but that's okay, cuz I'm the best"--is so much like Ty's more antisocial view of life: "I had to fight all my life just to survive. They were all against me. Tried every dirty trick to cut me down, but I beat the bastards and left them in the ditch." Also, perhaps not coincidentally, Ty and Barry are probably the best hitters in the history of the game. Cobb is the clear king of hitting for average (career BA=.366), and I don't need to tell anyone what Bonds can do.

Greatest Hits of Ty and Strawbarry:

Barry Bonds:
-Probably used steroids.
-Is somewhat selfish and impolite, especially to the media.

Ty Cobb:
-Sharpened his spikes to make infielders fear injury every time he took a base. Regularly threatened to injure infielders who tagged him out.
-Probably fixed games. Let off by the Commissioner when Cobb threatened to reveal further corruption.
-Kicked a hotel chambermaid in the stomach after she expressed disapproval at his use of the N-word.
-Had a long history of domestic violence.
-Refused to join his team on a Cuban tour, saying "darkies' place is in the stands or as clubhouse help."
-Fought a black groundskeeper during Spring Training over the condition of the practice field. Choked the groundskeeper's wife when she intervened.
-Attacked a heckler who had lost his hands in an industrial accident. When spectators told him to stop because his target had no hands, Cobb said, "I don't care if he has no feet."
-Slapped a black elevator operator for being "uppity." When a black night watchman intervened, Cobb took out a knife and stabbed him.
-After Cobb's son failed out of Princeton, Cobb traveled to Princeton to beat and horsewhip his son.
-At the plate, arranged to fight an umpire under the grandstand after the game. Teammates broke up the fight after Cobb had knocked the umpire to the ground and began choking him. "I fight to kill," Cobb said at the time.

At this point, you may be asking what I'm driving at. Or you may just be marveling at what a badass mofo Ty Cobb was. Either way, here's my point; Strawbarry's behavior has received a very different public reception from Cobb's much more extreme behavior.

Ty Cobb didn't really get punished for his entertaining, yet ridiculously unacceptable behavior, and it didn't tarnish his legacy. Cobb was elected into the Hall of Fame on the inaugural ballot by one of the largest margins in history. Cobb got many more votes than Babe Ruth, who was elected in the same year. On a slightly related note, the public hasn't seen fit to direct their scorn at other steroid-using baseball players, just at Barry. Public scorn is fantastic, but it's only productive in improving a-holes' behavior when it is consistently applied. This inconsistent application of public scorn is interesting, and it raises two questions for me:

1) Is Bonds derided so much and so often for his various misdeeds because he deserves a tarnished legacy, or due to the influence of uniformly negative portrayal in the media?

2) Does the media have ulterior motives and/or unique reasons to rail against Strawbarry? Barry's relationship with the media is fairly complicated, and I don't really blame Barry for being unfriendly to the media; the journalistic attacks on his alcoholic father definitely made an impression on the young Barry. Are journalists trying to make an example of Bonds because of his particularly antagonistic attitude towards members of the media?

- B M McManus

Romo Rocks

2007-10-04T16:19:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm a little late on this, but what can I say...I'm slow. Just saw this footage of Sunday's Cowboys-Rams game, and words can't expressed how thoroughly impressed I am with Tony Romo (or how much I want to slap the "professional" center that was responsible for this mess of a play).

To think, I once thought he would never recover from this unforgettable/inexcusable/pathetic incident.

Bravo, Tony, you have officially redeemed yourself in the eyes of the Sports Biotch.

What's Making Me Biotchy This Week...

2007-09-25T18:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, let's face it, when it comes to sports it's impossible to please everyone. So if we can't make everyone happy, let's do the next best thing and make the Sports Biotch happy. Here are some people who I think should have Milton Bradley's fury unleashed on their asses this week because, well, they're pissing me off.

The Bengals-Seahawks Refs

I promise that this has nothi...um...very little to do with my undying love for Chad Johnson, but the call on Matt Hasselback's "incomplete pass" this Sunday was one of the dumbest things I've ever seen. And the fact that they wouldn't let Lewis challenge it is just an embarrassment to the entire League.

Someone please tell me how this isn't a fumble...I mean, if Hasselback had made it to the end zone, would that have counted as a receiving touchdown? I don't think so.

Whoever the Hell is Responsible for the Rule that Allows Coaches to Call Timeouts Just as Game-Winning Field Goals are Being Kicked

Okay, so this week it didn't make me as mad because it was some pretty sweet justice for the Raiders, but this rule is ridiculous. This isn't what football is about. It's about athleticism, awareness, skill, preparation, strategy...but it's not about loopholes. If the rules committee doesn't change this, I won't be watching football next year...

Oh, wow, who am I kidding? I can't even type that with a straight face.

The Philadelphia Eagles

Yes, the front office AND the whole team. Anyone who didn't slap the person who showed them these and say "HELL NO WE'RE NOT WEARING THAT" can't possibly have more than 2 brain cells left. I know this has been discussed way too much, so maybe they've served their PR purpose, but GOOD GOD...it hurts to look.

Vick Can't Catch a Break - Canadians File Retarded Lawsuit

2007-09-25T17:57:00.000-07:00

I really hate how much publicity the whole Vick thing has gotten, but I had to post this. It's not so much that Vick's getting screwed by more people than Paris Hilton these days that makes it interesting, but more that I just don't understand how this lawsuit makes sense.

Apparently, the Royal Bank of Canada wants Mike to pay back the 2.3 mil he borrowed for "real estate investments". (I could make a joke about it being for "dog houses" here, but that would just be lame, wouldn't it? Yeah, I thought so.) Their reasoning for the suit?

The Toronto-based bank...is arguing that Vick's guilty plea on federal dogfighting charges and the resulting impact on his career have prevented him from repaying money he borrowed.

So you want him to pay back the money he borrowed from you because now that he lost his job... he can't pay it back??? Umm...eh?

Also check out: What's Making Me Biotchy This Week

Mark Your Calendars...

2007-09-19T19:38:00.000-07:00

This is definitely a day for the record books. Today, I, the Sports Biotch, actually agree with T.O. on something. Let me preface this by saying that I still hate the guy and think that his immense talent stopped making up for his desperate cries for attention a long time ago.

Despite all that, I think that what he said in response to being fined $7,500 for his latest touchdown celebration is right on point. Can someone please tell me why the hell everyone at the NFL offices thinks that we shouldn't be allowed to have a little mindless fun with football?

I can see that there is a need for rules and structure, but I really think those sticks have now been rammed way too far up the asses of the League office folks. Lighten up, people. This crap is entertaining as hell, and in no way does it take away from anyone's love and respect for the game itself. I know you've got to draw the line somewhere, but this ain't the place.

"No solo de pan vive el hombre, y no de excusas vivo yo."

2007-09-19T00:26:00.001-07:00

(Like what I'm doing there? Quoting the lovely Shakira and showing of my language skills...booYAH.)

I don't know why I'm making excuses when the few readers I have are all friends and family (hi, sis!), but...I just finished moving to a new apartment, and my internet was only hooked up about 6 minutes ago, so please forgive the lack of recent b*tching. From now on, the Sports Biotch will make a serious attempt to be at least slightly more consistent than the Cubs.

The timing's actually perfect for my internet to be back up, because since Sunday, I've had a lot of b*tching and moaning to do about the Raiders. Again.

With the ridiculous turnover rate of players and coaches in the League these days, it's damn near impossible to stay a fan of any particular team. But if I had to commit to one, I guess it would be the Raiders. Don't get me wrong, it's no secret that I hate Al Davis and a lot of what the organization stands for, but they are my home team nonetheless. I have to admit that I'm always (quietly) hoping they'll come away with a win, even though common sense tells me that for most games it would take an act of God. And in some cases, I'm sure that even God would just shrug and shake his head.

This weekend, though, there was hope. Sebastian Janikowski's 52-yard game-winning OT field goal looked like the man upstairs himself had guided the football straight through the middle of the uprights. It was beautiful, and I couldn't stop myself from jumping up and down a little. Finally, for the first time since the 2004 season, the Raiders had earned at least one victory over a division rival. And then it was all snatched away.

There's a very technical term to describe what Shanahan pulled. I believe it's called "a b*tch move". He called for a timeout, but only when it was too late to stop the ball from being snapped and the kick from taking place. The result? Janikowski was forced to rekick, the ball bounced off the top of the upright, and Denver ended up with the ball and, soon after, a field goal for the win.

Painful. Oh, so painful. I don't care if you love or hate the Raiders, you know that little tricks like this simply suck. Part of why we love football is because it's such an exciting emotional roller coaster, but stuff like this is just plain frustrating. The losers don't feel like they should have lost, and the winners can't possibly be completely comfortable with the way they won. Yes it was legal, and sure it was smart. A win is a win, but still, this was a cheap win.

No, it's not another excuse - it's fact. The Raiders somehow constantly get screwed on minutiae like this, and I'm getting tired of it. Let's make football about football, not about manipulating the rules to pull off undeserved wins.

ALSO ON MY B*TCHLIST:

O.J. Simpson is an idiot. No further discussion necessary.
Barry Bonds deserves a spot in Cooperstown* - vote it up.
I frickin' love Chad Johnson. The NFL has way too many obnoxious, loud-mouthed and offensive players, but Ocho Cinco can only be accused of the first two at most. Sure he's cocky, but he's also light-hearted and fun to watch. How could you not enjoy his latest display of carefree madness?
Speaking of obnoxious and offensive players, I can't resist taking yet another shot at Randy Moss. He made himself look like a total jackass on his Sunday Night Football intro: "Randy Moss...Rand University". Oh, yeah? I was pretty sure that it was Marshall that took pity on you after Notre Dame and Florida passed. Looks like somebody's suffering from some short-term memory loss...hmmm...

Weekly Biotch 2 and I Heart College Football

2007-09-03T11:55:00.000-07:00

Well, the second edition of my weekly feature at Sons of Sam Malone is finally up. This one has some pretty pretty pictures, so check it out.

I also have to say that Saturday was an amazing day for college football. Um, scratch that. I don't know about everything that went down in college football, and I don't really care. My Cal Bears got some sweet revenge, and let's face it, that's all that really matters.

Damn I wish I would've watched that Michigan/Appalachian State game, though. I sincerely hope that every single person at that school is still too hung over to move, because they certainly earned it. Despite being a generally spiteful person, I don't really have any hate for Michigan, so it's not so much that I'm pleased about them getting taken down. This is more about my love for the underdog.

So Appalachian State, the Sports Biotch salutes you. (And as a sign of my support, I will even provide this map. Now that U.S. Americans have discovered that you even exist, they should also know where the hell you're located.)

The Sports Biotch is a Slacker

2007-08-29T18:08:00.000-07:00

I feel like the world's worst blogger. Between working and trying to find an apartment (yes, the Sports Biotch is extra biotchy lately because she's been staying with her parents), I've barely had time to bathe. But tonight, I've decided to crawl in bed with my laptop and give my blog some good-good lovin'. So here's some b*tching, I know you've missed it...

First, I've got to mention how awesome the guys over at Sons of Sam Malone are for letting me do a feature called The Weekly Biotch on their blog. You guys rock. And you extra rock for selling Pacman "Make it rain" t-shirts. I wore mine today for the first time, and it gave me an immense sense of pride - well worth the investment.

Ok, now that that's taken care of...let the b*tching begin:

For me, one of the most touching moments in football is when a player goes down hard, and both teams take a knee as they wait to see if he'll be able to get back up. And when he does finally limp off the field, fans on both sides applaud respectfully, seemingly acknowledging that football is just a game that we all love and want players to live through. Yes, I love those moments, and I really do always want the kid to get back up...if we're talking about a heated battle between rival teams that has gotten a little too rough. But right now, in the famous words of A.I., we're talkin' about PRACTICE.

If you haven't heard, yesterday one USC moron hit another way harder than anyone should ever hit his own teammate. Really??? I mean, I understand that a good dose of healthy competition between teammates is key in getting everyone prepped for the season, but does this Maualuga kid, who's been playing football for lord know how long, really need to be told that when you're playing with your own teammates, broken bones aren't exactly what you should be striving for? (I'm so baffled that I'm writing run-on sentences.)

"Before practice, he was like, 'I'm going to [Randy] Moss you, Rey. I'm going to Moss you,' like catch a ball over me and like beat me downfield like in a footrace," said Maualuga in his interview with the L.A. Times .

Well that explains it. In an interview with a major newspaper, this guy says "like" at least once every few seconds - and it's not because he's using a lot of great analogies. This one is definitely not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He actually looks more like a spoon. A plastic one.

So why am I b*tching about Turner, too? After all, he's the one who got taken down by his own teammate. I should probably have sympathy for the guy, since he's a starting receiver who may now be watching the season opener from the sidelines.

Well, I could pick on the fact that the only response he had for the numskull who hit him was, "What the f&!*, Rey?" But that I can understand, since he had just gotten a major asswhooping and was a little too stunned to say anything else. What makes this kid a moron is that, despite being a football player, he is obviously not up-to-date on the NFL. "I'm gonna Moss you"??? Is he even aware of what that has meant for the last two years? It's meant running at half-speed on a bad hamstring and serving as a pathetic excuse for a "decoy". If that's what Turner wanted to be, then he deserved to get creamed by his own teammate.

Oh, and it's not too bad for us, either. GO BEARS.

Stomper, the A's Mascot, Leads a Double Life

2007-08-20T21:51:00.000-07:00

In the Oakland area, Stomper is a well-known character. He is the adorable, cartoony elephant that can always be found waddling around at A's games, handing out prizes and autographs to the young baseball fans. Stomper is not just a symbol of the Oakland Athletics, he is a symbol of baseball and its status as a wholesome American tradition.

But what happens to Stomper when the kiddies with the baseball gloves and Chavez jerseys aren't around? Lets just say that that the negative influences of out-of-control celebrities like Britney, Lindsey, and Paris haven't just affected pre-teen girls...they now taking their toll on innocent fake elephants.

Below are several video clips of the mascot "going dumb" - certain evidence that he is on his way to rehab.

Seriously, though...only in Oakland...

My Rant on Al Davis - Commitment to Arrogance

2007-08-16T22:08:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time, Al Davis was a symbol of the Raiders' legendary greatness. It was in these days that fans could use phrases like "Just Win, Baby" and "Commitment to Excellence" without everyone within earshot erupting into fits of laughter.

Those days are obviously long gone. And the reason for the Raiders' decline, ironically enough, is also Al Davis. As if anyone had doubted it, the 2006 season confirmed this sad fact. Rob Ryan had finally built up one of the League's top defenses, and yet the offense couldn't even average a touchdown per game.

Now, you can blame it on the painfully uncoordinated line, the "stop, drop, and roll" tactics of the QBs, or the butterfingered receivers. You can blame it on bad attitudes, Art Shell, or innkeepers. But the fact of the matter is that last year's pitiful excuse for an offense was orchestrated by Mr. Davis himself. In the Raider organization, every draft pick, free agency acquisition, trade, and coaching hire goes through him - and he just can't stop making all the wrong decisions.

This is all because Al Davis is a sad, arrogant old man. He believes that because he has succeeded by doing things his way once or twice in the past, he will eventually succeed again by doing everything exactly the same way. And if it doesn't work? Well, he fires someone. He points his bony little finger at Turner, Shell (twice), or Lombardi, ignoring the fact that they had only been acting as his puppets all along.

You may be wondering where the hell this is coming from. Well, I am simply frustrated and outraged by the latest mistake being made by this creepy, neurotic, corpse of a man. Jamarcus Russell, a young quarterback with a real "laser rocket arm", is the only 1st round pick that still hasn't signed.

And (anyone noticing a pattern here?) it's all Al Davis's fault. Rather than taking a talented young quarterback, showing him that the team wants to invest its time, money, and energy in him, and proving to him that maybe one day the Raiders offense won't play like a bunch of 8-year-old girls, he gives Jamarcus and his agents the "my way or the highway" bit. Oh, and if you don't sign, we'll just bring in Daunte Culpepper. Because we've done really well in the past with former Vikings stars.

Al Davis's inability to compromise, admit to his outdated methods, and relinquish at least some of his power to the coaching and personnel staff will continue to plague this team until he is out of the picture. I would love to be optimistic about 2007, but no matter what kind of talent is dressed in Silver and Black on the offensive side of the ball this year, Mr. Davis will find a way to make them fail miserably.

Why Athletes Should Stick to Spandex

2007-08-16T01:09:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder why sports uniforms were invented? Yeah, I'm sure that being able to identify who's on your team and who isn't is pretty helpful (someone should really explain that concept to Rex Grossman)...but I think there's a deeper reason.

My theory is that athletes are told what to wear at work because long ago someone realized the horrid sins these people were capable of committing against fashion. Now, I wasn't exactly voted "best dressed" in high school, and by no means am I a fashion guru. But if my career depended on my public image and I had some cash to blow, I sure as hell would hire somebody who had some fashion sense to dress me. Because superhuman athletic ability just doesn't excuse disasters like these:

Maria Sharapova

For a cow, hell is not a blazing inferno deep in the Earth's core - it's being skinned to create something this hideous.

Joakim Noah

When you already look like the illegitimate lovechild of Bobo the Clown and Lisa Leslie, it is just not a good idea to wear a bow tie.

Randy Moss

This off-season, Randy ran away into the depths of the jungle to escape the harsh reality of his career's rapid demise. Unfortunately, it was a "blue moon", and a sudden case of the giggles made it difficult to concentrate on packing. Randy ended up only bringing his neon orange camo gear , making him highly visible to vicious wild animals. He was attacked, and dozens of razor sharp claws tore his sweats to shreds.

...that is honestly the only explanation I can come up with for this..."outfit".

Amanda Beard

Oh dear God, the chlorine's made her colorblind.

Dennis Rodman

This list just wouldn't be complete without him. What's that quote from Men in Black? "Dennis Rodman's an alien? Not much of a disguise..."

Don't Quit Your Ridiculously Lucrative Day Job

2007-08-02T19:51:00.001-07:00

I love sports, and I am always impressed by the talented people who play them. But I have a message for some of the pro athletes out there: please realize that your amazing gifts are sometimes limited to the realm of sports. You really need to stop trying to extend them into, say, the world of music. Please. Stop. Seriously.

Today I realized just how many songs I have heard in the last year or so that were written by famous athletes...and how painful it was to listen to most of them. I understand using your millions to create a state-of-the-art studio in your mansion and record stuff for fun. That's cool. What I can't understand is why you would then subject the rest of the world to your "music". Just listen to these and you'll see where I'm coming from:

Chris Webber:

Why would Kurupt ever participate in this?

Ron Artest:

His writing skills are impeccable. Ron manages to successfully rhyme "hating me" with "hating me"...for the entire chorus. But I love this "David Stern, damn David Stern/I gotta teach you 'bout the ghetto/Some things you should learn/Matt Lauer, ----- NBC/You look like a girl/Don't talk to me." QUALITY.

Barry Zito:

Barry is a talented guy. At least at one point he could be called a great pitcher, I hear he's very intelligent, he's a decent guitar player, and he's not the worst singer in the world. But please just listen to these lyrics...there's no excuse. Talking about sleeping with my mother should not be followed by "I'll respect you, oh baby."

T.O.:

If any of you still haven't heard these little gems on his website and his Myspace, well...you probably won't be too shocked. This is exactly what you would expect from Owens.

Justin Fargas:

Listen to "The Life of Young Hugg", the song in which Justin lets us in on how he went from "a pimp to a player to a baller." Fascinating stuff.

Tony Parker:

At least there's one exception to the rule. Maybe it's just because everything sounds better in French, but I actually like what I've heard from "Tony P". Here's his gangsta side (with Fabolous), and this is his sensitive side (with a French guy trying to sing in English).

See, I don't criticize everything.

Hottest Male Athletes

2007-07-23T09:05:00.000-07:00

It has become all-too-apparent that football season just can't come fast enough. I'm sure all of you have noticed there have been WAY too many Hottest Babe so-called "sports" blog posts as of late. Gentlemen, this is seriously getting out of hand.

I'm tired of seeing "Hottest Female Athlete", "Hottest Female Reporter", "Hottest Athletes' Wives", "Hottest Chick Who Has Ever Attended a Baseball Game (to Meet Cute Guys) or At Least Caught a Glimpse of Sports on TV at Some Point in Her Life"...

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but you get my point. As annoying as all of this adolescent drooling over mostly fake girls is, I'm just gonna go ahead and be a giant hypocrite by making my first blog post a list of the Hottest Male Athletes.

Ladies, enjoy :)

(In no particular order...)

Larry Johnson - Kansas City Chiefs

To be a good running back, you have to have excellent balance, and LJ's sweet smile is just so nicely balanced out by his hot tats.

Tom Brady - New England Patriots

I have a love-hate relationship with Thomas. I really hate hearing girls say that they are watching a game just to see him. And I really despise his taste in women. But look at him...how could I leave him off the list? Plus, ohmygod, I think he's, like, good at throwing the ball or something!

Jerry Porter - Oakland Raiders

Say what you want about what went down last year with the Raiders, but Jerry Porter's hotness is undeniable, so he's goin' on the list!

Shaun Phillips - San Diego Chargers

Shaun's just absolutely adorable. Too bad I couldn't find any good pics online. This'll have to do (he's on the right).

Dwayne Wade - Miami Heat

The guy is good-looking, talented, and does some of the funniest commercials on TV. Fitting that he plays for the Heat, 'cause Dwayne is smokin'.

Andy Roddick - American Tennis Star

I can't say that I watch a lot of tennis, but Andy sure does provide some incentive to start.

Marat Safin - Russian Tennis Player

Russian pride!!! I saw him at The Coffee Bean last week, and let me tell you...even better looking in person.

HOWEVER...major minus points for his girlfriend...YIKES:

Ian Thorpe - Australian Swimmer

Michael Phelps may be able to outswim "The Thorpedo", but he will never be as attractive. Sorry, Michael!

David Beckham - Los Angeles Galaxy

Hmm...I don't really think I need to say anything here.

Javy Lopez - Colorado Rockies

I honestly didn't know who this was until I started doing some research for this post. Glad I found him, though. Wow.

(Note: The other baseball player I wanted to put on here was Bobby Crosby - the Brad Pitt of MLB. There are NO good pictures of him online, however. Someone should really fix that.)

Eric Lindros - Dallas Stars

A hockey player whose face doesn't look like it's been run over by truck. That's pretty much a miracle on ice.

Well, that's all I've got. If you need me, I'll be sitting in my room staring at a wall, waiting for the pre-season to start.