Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Biotch of the Week: Serena Williams

Welcome to my new feature, Biotch of the Week.  Does this mean I will actually commit to posting on a weekly basis?  Er, I'm gonna go with no.  But there's at least one biotch that I would like to recognize this week, so I'm going for it.

Articles like this one about Serena Williams's "outburst" at the U.S. Open make me want to vomit.  Granted, this incident follows one that was a bit more severe in 2009, but biotch PLEEZ!  Watch the video.  The woman got screwed on a technicality in a very high-stakes game for her.  While on air, she contained herself quite well, asking the chair lady for an explanation and just getting a little pissy when said ridiculous explanation was given.  Even the announcers were completely stunned by the call, so how can the person who is so negatively impacted by it NOT be upset?

The "bad" part came when she told the preppy sweater lady in the lifeguard chair not to look at her and to walk the other way if they walk down the same hallway.  Followed by my favorite line of, "You are just unattractive INSIDE."  Oh no she di-in't!!!  This woman should be featured in an Orbitz commercial, not be stamped as a horrible influence on today's youth.

Not only that, but let's talk about the fact that all of this happened during a commercial break, quietly on the sideline (it's still called that in tennis, right?).  The network is more to blame here for intentionally airing the clip after the fact to create drama, make Serena look bad, and boost their own ratings, thereby exposing all those poor traumatized kids in the audience to this behavior.  Until they did that, it was just a pissed off athlete quietly talking some shit after getting totally screwed over.  Yeah, totally unprecedented.

But I guess in a sport where women who are among the best athletes in the world are still expected to wear skirts while playing and the audience is not permitted to make noise, this is quite scandalous.  However, let's not go labeling a woman (let alone a black woman in tennis) who has helped put women's sports on the map as a bad role model.  Especially when we can focus on all of the male athletes out there with multiple babymamas who are constantly cheating on their wives with hookers, beating up women and dogs, and acting inappropriately with reporters.  (But that's just "boys being boys", right?)  Serena is the least of our worries when it comes to role models in sports.  We should be thankful for her.

So, Serena Williams, for being a normal human being who gets pissed off when screwed over and actually keeping your composure quite well (compared to how I would have reacted), the Sports Biotch bestows upon you the honor of Biotch of the Week.

Oh, and also, you have an AMAZING ass.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Roy Williams and the Mail Order Bride

Given that there's nothing NFL-related to talk about these days that isn't pure speculation, it's no surprise that everyone has jumped on this story with Roy Williams. And I'm joining right in.

Williams's $76,000 engagement ring, sent by mail to former Miss Texas Brooke Daniels in February, has apparently been returned. The Daniels family has stated that they would rather return the ring than deal with the law suit Williams decided to bring upon them last week.

In my oh-so humble opinion, the question here isn't who the ring should go to. (Answer: Charity. Much better to benefit society than to allow one of these two horrible excuses for human beings to waste the money on more unneccessary jewelry.) The question is which side is dumber. I'm completely torn.

First you have Williams, who I am charging with 3 counts of extreme stupidity:
1) Dating a beauty queen. Everyone knows they're not real people.
2) Proposing by mail. REALLY? At least bring your ass into the 21st century and send her a proposal e-mail/IM/Tweet.
3) Proposing at all. You're a football player, she's a beauty queen. Why even pretend that it's a monogamous relationship?

Then there's Daniels. Oh, honey, I know all that bleach has probably seeped through your skull and it's not totally your fault, but you're still responsible for your 3 counts:
1) Being from Texas. Nuff said.
2) Dating a pro athlete. We all know that there is a:

100% chance of him cheating

84% chance of him cheating with a porn star

57% chance of him being a dog killer

43% chance of him beating you up

25% chance of you beating him up

15% of you killing him.

I know you probably weren't on the math team, but you should realize that your odds of a healthy relationship were not good from the start.

3) Being a half-ass gold digger. Either you're a money-grubbing whore or you're not. Take the ring and marry the dude so you can take half of his money in another year, or be a decent person and give it back. Nobody likes a flip-flopper.

So, in conclusion, the Sports Biotch officially declares both sides complete morons. Congratulations to them and their families. Oh, and...world peace.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

One More Note on Soccer

I don't want to be like Jonathan Babineaux here and beat a dead horse dog, but let me just say one more thing about the ridiculousness of soccer.

Check out the fun little infographic below. So, granted that the highest paid NFL players are not necessarily the best in the game and often just overpaid Raiders players, the structure of the most highly paid soccer players is worrying. With the massive international popularity of the sport, you guys still can't pay your SUPERSTARS, the reason people watch the game, as much as the LIONS can afford to pay Matthew Stafford??? AND you have waaaay fewer players on your roster? Am I crazy, or is there something super fishy about that?

In conclusion, there is yet another reason to hate soccer: owners are CLEARLY taking advantage of players and not paying them what they're really worth. EVEN MORE SO than the NFL! Boo.


Sports Management Colleges - Futbol v. Football

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Countdown to the 4th of July

12 days. There are 12 days left until the 4th of July, and that is SUPER exciting for several reasons. Number one is obvious: it's the Sports Biotch's birthday. Then there is the lesser-known Independence Day. In a very close third, though, we have the greatest sporting event of all time: the Nathan's International Hot Dog Eating Contest.

Yes, I said sporting event. If golf gets to count as a sport, well so should eating. If you've ever actually witnessed one of these competitions in person, you would most certainly agree. While it's impressive on TV, it's just appalling in person when you see pounds and pounds of food disappear instantly into someone's mouth. These guys practice year-round to get their bodies to perform really strange, often gross, but always incredible feats.

What drives me crazy about the Nathan's competition and competitive eating in general is not that it is marketed as a sport, but that everyone still keeps talking about Takeru Kobayashi. Okay, he's a very small Japanese dude, and it's pretty memorable when someone that small can eat that much food. But COME ON! Stay on top of your competitive eating news, people! Kobayashi's reign is over and there has been a new champ in town for four years. Joey "Jaws" Chestnut beat Kobayashi in 2007, 2008, and 2009, and he won the competition last year, when Takeru wasn't even allowed to participate (and caused a bunch of drama over it). He is the current record holder in the eating of hot dogs and tons of other foods...not including desserts, though, because Joey sees that as unhealthy. Not only that, but Joey is the proud recipient of my "awesomest bobble head I own" award. Mine is even sweeter than the one below because it's autographed. Probably worth millions.

Since I am in Panama, I won't get to watch Joey's 5th consecutive victory. But I hope that all of you will take a look at the listings for sports programs in your area and be sure to check out this historic event. In the meantime, here's a SWEET video we filmed of Joey training for a fried asparagus eating competition (yup, that really exists) when I worked at Yardbarker.com.